Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't

I was surprised that this book is bible-based and related things to Christian concepts. YET the science seems solid and the advice is spot on, very very helpful with or without the Christian references. It was a good read and I will read it again. I have also recommended it to my Christian friends because why not?

I wish I had this as a teenager before I ever started dating. I wish I parents had this. I wish everyone in my life had this. This clearly states, in bullet points and then explains, the RED FLAGS everyone needs to be able to spot- in yourself and why YOU attract those hurtful relationships, and in others to AVOID the people who aren't reading to be healing. DID YOU KNOW relationships are supposed to be healing in and of themselves??????? If you know how to choose them with intention, relationships heal! It's when we go in unconsciously (without knowing the signs to look for that this book explains) that we go through our lives getting more and more wounded. I'm buying extra copies to literally give this away to others because it's so good. Just get it, and some highlighters. This is my relationship bible, and I carry it around and reference it all the time. GET IT!

I read Boundaries by the same authors a few years back, and it made a tremendous difference in my life. I just finished Safe People tonight, and it is also a great book; I'm glad I read it. The authors write in an easy-to-read, straightforward, and relatable manner. They use examples of their own failings and lessons learned, as well as many case studies. The advice given is backed by scriptural references, albeit a bit of a stretch in certain area.For me, what I found helpful, was getting a glimpse at what "normal" or "healthy" should look like. That will sound strange to anyone who is already coming from a healthy background, but probably resonate with anyone who isn't. I often have huge conflict over whether a scenario is a healthy situation or not -- whether I'm the perpetrator, or not. This book helped to provide some clarity and set the stage for building a healthy relationship mentality.There are drawbacks/limits to this book, however. As some reviewers pointed out, this will not be adequate if you have been in a psychologically abusive relationship. I was in a serious relationship with someone who met the criteria laid out in this book as a "Safe Person" -- in fact, a shining example. And the church I was attending at the time was also a great example of a "Safe Church", and I was connected to people who mostly qualified as "Safe People" -- if one is checking things off the list. However, that man was an abusive liar and the church did not behave safely in the end. There's a part of me that is glad I hadn't read this book while going through that relationship, because I likely would have stayed chained to him much longer and suffered much greater damage. I would have continued to think I was the problem (as he said) and not him, and I would have caved under the pressure of my "friends" and the inaction of the church leadership. So, if you believe you are dealing with something "extra", I would go with your gut and seek out additional guidance.A lot of the advice in this book feels exhilarating and empowering while reading it, but a few hours later I start thinking through how to actually apply it, and I feel stumped. I don't necessarily think this is a failure on the book -- there is only so much it can answer, and it does make it clear that you must seek God's wisdom and that you may need either group or individual counseling. However, a lot of the stuff seemed to be separated by hairline degrees -- and left me very confused. Especially towards the end, where the emphasis was on keeping relationships/working through them, even though they were "unsafe". Knowing myself and my history, this was really confusing and terrifying.I would also add that if you have an additional "condition", such as in my case Autism Spectrum Disorder, you will likely not be able to fall back on the same common sense judgements as the book intends you to be able to discern.Still glad I read it, and I do recommend it.

This has some good insight and I recommend it.

Readers can get insights from this book, which can make them stronger and more discerning individuals. However, much of the solutions and ideals in this book come within a cultural framework, so care and discernment should be exercised. This is especially needed as often Christian books are read in other countries or by people from other countries without a cultural filter resulting in feelings of judgment, but the reality is relationships are structured and conflicts are resolved differently in many cultures. We need to be careful in universal claims.One example is the parent-child relationship. Not every culture is like the American culture where there is much emphasis on the separateness of individuals. Caring about parents' concerns and making decisions with the family in mind are not always infantile, regressive, immature, or co-dependent. In some cultures, as my own, these are done with genuine love, respect, and selflessness (qualities that seem hard to understand by people coming from very individualistic mindsets) and also within the context of difficult socioeconomic situations (again, difficult to understand by those coming from privileged countries with much opportunity). Another example is confrontation. In some cultures, confrontation is the last straw--there are other steps that come first that are mutually understood by people within the same cultural context: i.e. nonverbal clues, indirect rebukes, and yes, even some withdrawal in order not to escalate the conflict. Despite these, this might be a good book for those coming from other cultural backgrounds to understand what it takes to survive healthily in a new environment such as the U.S. My only caution for those coming from another culture is to keep this cultural aspect in mind so as not to feel overwhelmed by thinking they are moral universals.Ironically, the authors also seemed biased towards extroverted personalities in this book, not taking into account the real struggles of people with more introversion. Case in point was how one author described one person as painfully awkward. The solutions are rather simplistic with no deep supportive care for people who are genuinely having a hard time. I felt it was more like a do's and don't's kind of book that can make one feel more depressed and overwhelmed. The reality is that the solution they kept on repeating--find safe people who will support you--is not available all the time, and it seems rather confusing and simplistic on how they suggest going about this: find a small group, find a counselor, persevere, etc. Throughout the book, principles seem contradictory--like stay away from unsafe people but don't severe relationships that quickly.Probably the most valuable insight I got, however, was that we as humans are relational creatures that's why relational problems hurt so much. Just as God is relational, we are made to be relational, so the idea that we only need God is faulty. The two greatest commandments center not just on loving God but also loving our neighbors. Our perception of God often stream from our experiences with people, that's why the Church is called the Body of Christ on earth. Another is how the authors explained that sometimes our symptoms and problems are not necessarily solved by reading the Bible more or praying more but filling in the need to be more connected to others. They also gave good recommendations on how to talk to others like, "I am having a hard time. Can you support me through this?" "I just need to know that you are here. You don't have to, but can I have your emotional and social support?" They explained that safe people won't judge you for this need, for they themselves recognize how important it is to be connected to others. We also need to strive to develop relationships not as extra benefits from functional roles but to actually pursue relationships in contexts where this is the main purpose.

This book arrived today. It is a Christian book. There are quotes from the bible all the way through it. As a non-believer the book wasn’t for me. There were some insights I found useful but I wouldn’t recommend this book unless you are a Christian.

OK: its christian and its got quite a lot about God in itits also very good on who is and who isn't safehave you started to notice that some of your friends are good for you?I used to have a bit of a habit for this... this is good as it explains what you need safe people (distance yourself from these who aren't)AND it tells youhjow to work out who is safeAND it wasn't always who I thoughtlovely friend Helen: you are safe! I wasn't t sure...etcbut it does have lots about the Bible in itI thin it might be worth getting even if you don't like bible references... I like them so I am not well placed to sayit is good to get a book that writes in detail about this sort of thing - it a good practical problem!

I am glad I found this book!!The language, descriptions are very clear, concise and afer initial reading I easily recognised patterns of some unsafe or truly toxic people around me.The book helped me to recognised some of these patterns in myself ,and what to do in order to get rid of them and lead more healthy, assertive life .Very helpful, insightful , positive book.!I bought additionally some books on codependency as it complements this book perfectly, Many of toxic or unsafe people come from unloving,destructive families ,and are themselves the victims of toxic parenting like myself. This book is full a good advice, solutions. It simply is A LITTLE GEM!!!It gave me a lot of confidence I lacked when dealing with toxic people.But most importantly I got finally rid of an awful feeling of guilt eating my heart away each time I tried to limit or avoid toxic people.As a Christian , I know now that it is ok to avoid , limit or cut off completely some unhealthy people fom my life and still be ok with it.I highly recommend this book. : )

For those who has never met the safe people, so naturally would not be able to recognise them if they would stand next to them, it will be a good guidance of what safe people really are. How they behave, how they think and how happy they can make you feel.They make you feel happy, because with safe people it is OK to make mistakes, to admit to them and to learn how to fix them - they help you, and not reject you, if this makes sense.This book grew my awareness and provided a motivation to became a safe person as well.

This book genuinely turned my life around. I was caught in such a rutt of continuous drama's I was at my wits end. This book was recommended to me so I read it which resulted in me making dramatic changes to my life. It was the best thing I could have done and I couldn't be happier now, i have a wonderful relationship with a loving husband. I still recommend this book to anyone in need and i will continue to do so for the rest of my life.