Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships by Johnson, Dr Sue (February 3, 2011) Paperback Paperback

The second following Love Sense by the same author. This is a type of continuation and provides examples of how to approach Emotional Therapy in everyday conversation. The two books together really provide one of the best foundations for studying Attachment Theory. While the emphasis is not on quizzing or investigating Attachment styles, it does point out routines that relationships go through that are destructive and how to tweak communication and perspective to incur loving attachment in difficult times.

Sue Johnson is an icon in the field for her work with couples and the creation of this model for therapy with couples. My dissertation was on attachment theory and romantic relationships and Sue Johnson has taken that research that’s been done in the field and been able to apply it to create a practical way of helping couples communicate and get their romantic attachment needs met. She was brilliant and her work which is captured in this book has been profound and instrumental for the field of psychology and marriage! Well done Sue Johnson (RIP).

This is an important book that teaches couples how to be attentive in a meaningful way to each others feelings about their relationship. These feelings arise from a partner's emotional hardwired perspective on attachment. Attachment styles include the anxious, the avoidant and the secure. For the first two, insecurities about attachment translate into feelings that are interpreted as a literal threat to life. This is why so many people feel so incredibly bad when they are rejected or feel that their relationship is threatened. We are hardwired this way by nature and evolution, as isolation meant death at the beginnings of humanity. When couples fight, they tend to do so at the level of relatively unimportant issues but with an underlying feeling of threat to life. This is why seemingly minor disagreements can escalate into major arguments. Couples also tend to fight in a pattern where on attacks and the other becomes unavailable. This is a recipe for a vicious cycle. The key is to identify when this cycle is manifesting itself, recognize it as such and then address the underlying emotional needs. Partners need to express what they are specifically feeling and what triggers that feeling. Ideally both partners can share and develop a deeper understanding of each others basic attachment survival needs. This honest and open process leads to stronger bonds of love.

This book made great sense to me. It was recommended by a psychologist who said it had helped a number of her clients. I can see why. It is easy to read, explains clearly how couples get into various "dances" (sequences of downward spiralling arguments) and some reasonable ways of recognizing and addressing those patterns. It does not contain those trite and often embarrassing catchphrases of many relationship self help books and so should be more palatable for men whose female partners would like them to engage more. As a woman, I thought it described relationship frustration extremely well and gave a fresh approach to an age old dilemma with sensible scenarios for progressive change for both men and women. Having said that, I'm still waiting for my partner to comment so maybe interest in such books is still anchored in the female gene.

I have recommended this book to several people now. It's a game changer. This book is based off of Emotionally Focused Therapy which is a relatively new, but highly effective method used in marriage counseling. I would combine this book with one of John Gottman's books for the best results or at least the broadest use of knowledge in the field. Dr. Johnson and Dr. Gottman are the world's leading experts in love and making relationships work, and it's little wonder why when studies show that their methods work. When you are upset the last thing on your mind is making sure you are fighting fairly and communicating properly. My boyfriend and I started reading this when things were starting to get rocky and it has helped bring us closer together. It is all about people's bids for affection, reassurance, cycles we get stuck in, and how to recognize cues to help break that cycle. It gives you different scenarios of people with real situations, step by step instructions, and then a follow up example of what things should look like and also examples of how things should not look. I have studied psychology and so this information simply excites my soul on its own, but I think the real world application makes this beneficial for everyone. This does not replace a marriage therapist, but should be used as a supplement for a struggling relationship or as a way to bring back the connection of a stale one.

I an in couples therapy and this is the main resource for between sessions. I have seen me and my partner all throughout this book and it's been very helpful to see the patterns from the outside with space to identify them and look at what it is that each one of us really needs.This perspective helps us look at and put our attachment issues in the middle instead of each other taking turns being banged around in the boxing ring.There isn't enough time in our therapy sessions for her to teach all of this AND help us slow down when we are highly activated together in sessions. This is a must have for anyone looking at their relationship whether you choose to stay in it or not.

I'm a very "open" person who likes to conquer one battle and have it understood between the two of us before moving on but you have two in a relationship and was looking more of what could be said in order to get the male partner to see your sincerity and humility towards an intense disagreement. The book did have some high points which I did highlight. I do intend, in time, to go over those highlights with my boyfriend of 4 years. Was married for 39 and tried all my avenues before getting a divorce.Thank you for the book.Ellen T.